An Open Letter to Mr. Donald Trump (Transcript-Abridged)

Dear Mr. Trump; (audio here)

Holy Fuckballs.

I’m sorry, I’m really, really sorry, that your daddy didn’t love you enough, or you were bullied at school, or whatever childhood trauma you suffered that made you think that your life wouldn’t matter unless you stab that big pussy in the air the rest of us call a sky with a half dozen steel and concrete dicks 1380 feet tall with your name emblazoned across them like a tramp stamp on the back of a strippers ass passing out lap dances at five dollars a pop in some shuttered industrial Lot in the downtown Detroit area I really am, but you’ve got to stop taking it out on every living creature on the fucking planet, because other people have problems too.

I speak seven languages and there isn’t enough profanity in those or in the history of the other 454 Indo-European languages combined, to describe the kind of dick-sucking-fuckwad you have to be to say that we should go around killing the families of terrorists -balls the size of casaba melons, but I hate to tell you that is not a qualification for being President of the United States– and its people like you people, all balls and no brains, that go out and get other people’s children killed.

And while I don’t mean to give you pause on your way into turning this country into a sharia caliphate with enough medieval charm, compassion and warm fucking fuzzies to make Caliph Ibrahim look like Jimmy Carter rolling on three tabs of ecstasy, you might be interested in knowing that what you’re talking about is actually a fucking war crime – and not one of those “well, if we don’t call it torture then it’s not a war crime” war crimes, but one of those “hey, there are actually some really good practical, and, hay don’t you know it ethical reasons why we don’t go around executing peoples families based on the actions of one sociopathic black sheep outlier” kind of war crimes.

What kind of medical grade hallucinogen do you have to be smoking, concentrating the vapor and rehashing the resin before freebasing it into one of those liquid nitrogen fueled ice dams you call a femoral artery to not realize that, aside from losing whatever shreds of moral authority we have left in the world, if you start murdering families based on the actions of one sociopathic black sheep outlier you’ll start making enemies faster than you can kill them – well, not if you use a gas chamber, but I really didn’t want to point that out because I didn’t want you to get such a raging hard on that Julio, night janitor at Trump Tower who you pay minimum wage because two pennies glued together with industrial grade horseshit is not legal tender, has to break out his “Mr. reliable” squeegee and clean off the latest Superfund site that is the back of your desk every time somebody uses the words “gas chamber” correctly in a sentence.

And yeah, sure, I know it’s nice to think that the United States of America is so star-spangled awesome that we can invade a foreign country for absolutely no reason (and I mean this, no fucking reason whatsoever. It wasn’t about fighting terrorism, al-Qaeda hated Saddam. It wasn’t about WMDs, the UN, MI-6, and half the world knew that Saddam did not have any and couldn’t have delivered them anyway even if he doubled the number of rubber bands on his SCUD missile launchers. And we certainly didn’t care about the inhumanity of Saddam Hussein using the chemical weapons we gave him to gas 10,000 of his own people, because while we were roasting marshmallows over the warm glow of Saddam’s nuts we didn’t lift so much as a finger to stop the atrocities and mass genocide erupting in Darfur. And don’t lie and tell me we wanted overthrow a dictator and let Iraqis suckle on the sweet, sweet baby juice of freedom, because we break out in joy-gasims at the chance to install brutal, illegal, fascist dictators all over the world, where they’re free kill as many of their own people as they like so long as they stay in our back pocket. Here’s an idea, before we start lecturing people on freedom let’s stop propping up countries like the UAE, Qatar, Morocco, Jordan, and most of the Middle east. Heck we give the dictatorial Royal House of Saud money and guns which they use to brutally and illegally oppress their people, in exchange for exercising their OPEC veto power to grant us the cheapest oil anywhere in the world—Clinton had nothing to do with the economic boom of the 90’s, it was the result of cheap energy brought to us on the backs of innocent Saudis. Did you ever stop to fucking ask why nearly all of the hijackers were from Saudi Arabia? Think that was a subtle hint that they’re pissed at us? They hate our dictator supporting baby bombing guts over there, and nobody, nobody, nobody could fucking blame them. And nobody can tell me we give a rat’s ass about freedom from tyranny for anyone but ourselves, and none of that shit has anything to do with America’s favorite scapegoat, Islam).

Use this backwards, revisionist, Fox news math that says it’s okay to destroy a country, wipe out its infrastructure, water, power, civil institutions and end 300,000 civilian lives in the name of getting a dictator who in his worst megalomaniacal despotic wet dream couldn’t of done a tenth the damage we did, all in the name of freedom and amber waves of grain, while never once taking our eyes off of Tiki Bar TV streaming on our iPhone while we rest our morbidly obese asses in a Barcalounger lamenting the injustice of the world that judges us by our waistline, do that, all that, without any fucking consequences, and that the ragheads will sit back there and say, hey, yeah, sure, I didn’t need my mother, father cousins or sister or children, or electricity or an education or a job or running water to be happy, you got rid of Saddam, you go cast your vote for American Idol while I sit here with a whole bunch of other seething, disenfranchised young men with just a few new anger management issues to work through and try to out who I’m going to blame for this mess, and drop in on local meeting of a death cult which promises 72 virgins and an end to all this suffering while getting some payback at the same time. And hey, let’s toss Shinseki and Clarke out on their asses, because lord knows if there’s someone with competency around here but it might make us look bad, and why do something right and spoil the fucking trend,

And sure, lets torture people—never mind that we used to have something called principals and our word when we signed the Geneva conventions we expect our enemies to live by, never mind that every country that breaks those rules always thinks it’s justified and they’re always fucking wrong, never mind that it doesn’t work, it doesn’t fucking work, we all know it doesn’t work, but it’s cathartic and bad ass so who cares that sometimes we got the wrong people because you’re just dying to burn our innocence and credibility at the altar of it doesn’t fucking work. and yeah I know I’m a pussy because I don’t watch Fox News and get off on the idea that we rape little boys in Abu Ghraib, but at least I don’t pretend to love Jesus and his mother as I hook up a guy’s nipples to a truck battery, or pretend that I think god’s going to forgive me all this shit because, well he’s the one who told us to go in there in the first place, and war in the middle east is pre-ordained, even right, and everything we do is right and just by definition and woops, I killing your buzz, sorry, to let the utter bummer of a thing called reality shatter the illusion by saying that maybe our ignorant ass actions have consequences and maybe we shouldn’t be forgiven if we decided to let good intentions be our get out of jail free card that keeps us from doing the hard work of sitting down and trying to figure this shit out and looking hard in the mirror before carpet bombing countries ten thousand miles away.

But that’s me, I’m part of the “blame America first” crowd, thinking that maybe no means no, she didn’t have it coming, and that maybe somehow, in some alternate topsy-turvy alternate universe, the children we drop bombs on do matter, didn’t get what’s coming to them, we’re not the all-knowing badasses whose shit don’t stink we think we are, and the vast majority of Iraqis didn’t want to throw flowers at us, but rather bullets, because the worst day under Saddam was better than what the “liberators” brought them (and then to be so hung up on ourselves had the fucking balls to think that the Iraqis to pay for it – which is really fucking gangster), and expect that one of the little fucking ragheads didn’t put it together that maybe the real reason we’re there is because once the people finally revolt over our favorite dictators the Royal House of Saud, OPEC will rape us like we’re a French hooker in a little back alley called “Rue the fucking day” but if we save those poor little ragheads our Christian hearts care so much about we, can make a ton of money with exclusive oil contracts and keep OPEC veto. But hey, we’re Americans, we’re fucking perfect, and I’m sure the ragheads are too stupid to have figured that one out.

And of course I know none of that shit is your fault, Mr. Trump, but you can’t survive without the, coma inducing, fact ignoring, black hole of a right-wing reactionary constituency you call your base. And here you are, the next piece in this Orwellian jigsaw puzzle, sliding into place to highlight the utter insanity that is American politics that justifies cruelty, bloodlust and revenge under the guise of protecting oneself in this, is one of the safest countries in the world. So let’s bomb ragheads and starve wetbacks out of this Judeo-Christian Eden where we love the bible only so long as it lets us hate and subjugate gays, Muslims, Jews, blacks and that whole other half of the human race you say love men only for their money (and in your case, I believe it), but that the rest of us none the less usually call women.

And I know why they’re voting for you. They’re pissed, they’re outraged, I get it, I really do. they’re being marginalized and trivialized in a world where you can’t work for McDonalds without knowing how to use a computer and a seven-year-old can email the president of the united states but they still can’t get the clock on their antiquated 8-track Betamax VCR to stop blinking noon. So supporting a massive bloviating bull-shitter like you lets acts like a surrogate cock that lets them stick out their chests with pride and adopt a healthy mob mentality that let’s talk about lighting black men on fire seem reasonable, all because they like, because they live through you, because they understand the world through you. It’s easier to glom onto the fact that you don’t take shit from anybody and mistake that for good policy, sound judgement, and strong leadership, than to ask what real world impact will these policies have on us and the rest of the world. It’s easier to say that you’re honest and tell it like it is than to compare what you say to reality and admit that you’re setting more pants on fire than the iPhone five see.

They want the world to slow down, the information to slow down, they want to untangle the complexity and say “yeah, it really can be as simple as it was in the old days” before boys kissed, blacks could become president, and the planet wasn’t rejecting us like bad transplant.

But you can’t roll back that clock or unwind that spring, you can’t undo the internet or turn off 24-hour news, and in this global economy and age of global interconnectedness a butterfly flapping its wings in Saudi Arabia really can cause half of Manhattan island to go up in flames.

So I’m supposed to say that it’s okay because you represent a genuinely disappointed, marginalized and ever increasingly disenfranchised wing of the republican party that feels that the world has walked away from them.

Maybe they have a fucking point hidden somewhere in all that addle minded insanity. But what I don’t know, what I don’t understand is where’s my right to be outraged? You think I’m having a blast over here and partying my liberal ass off? We elect my guy president, he wins fair and square, and I watch as a wash of tea party fucking nutheads—so called patriots who say they understand the constitution real, real good while painfully oblivious to the fact that it was carefully, deliberately and painstakingly written so as to force all parties to compromise on the notion that forcing people to find a middle ground may not be such a bad idea, too stupid to know that every article, every paragraph, every sentence, every clause, every word and every piece of fucking punctuation all have one thing in common—They were all a compromise, and I watch these hallow patriots cry and throw the toys on the fucking floor and say they’ll break them all if we don’t play by all their fucking rules. And I watch them bring the government to a grinding halt and point to my guy and say it’s his fucking fault.

I’ve got to deal with people like Rick Perry, who gives his constituents a woody with thinly veiled suggestions about leaving the union, but Texas ranks 40th in education so they can’t put two and two together to figure out that for every dollar they pay in federal taxes the government gives them a buck thirty back. 32% of their budget comes from the federal government, and they can’t produce or sell enough oil to make that up on their own, or operate an economy without the FDIC, Interstate Highway, or the Federal Reserve, but I’ve got to put up with them thinking they’re doing us a favor by sticking around, meanwhile I get 70 cents back on the dollar meaning my state is carrying their sorry asses, and I wouldn’t mind except that when I say I want universal healthcare because I’d rather pay a couple hundred dollars a year so that some morbidly obese guy who can’t pay the parking meter because all his money goes to cheddar worst wrapped in bacon and deep fried in bacon fat can get an annual checkup, cancer screening, sound medical advice, and free statins, rather than paying $44,000 when keels over from a heart attack, gets dragged into the ER, and ends up needing to get his ticker swapped out while his family is thrown out into the street because he can’t work anymore, they call it socialism. And I mind it when smug motherfuckers in states that I am carrying denies science, denies global warming, denies evolution, and with their bottom of the barrel education sit there and tell me that they’re going to my rewrite my textbooks, and totally awesomalize them and make sure every little American cherub can learn some alternate history where Christopher Columbus wasn’t a genocidal maniac, the founding fathers were all Christians who didn’t fuck their slaves, and that the constitution is the inspired word of God and newly minted 28rd book in the new testament because nobody should have to live in a world where you can’t make up your own facts.

And you may think that the media has a liberal bias, but I’ve got to watch them sit here and not speak truth to stupid as people like Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, or yourself.

So I’m fucking outraged, but since I’m supposed to be the grownup in the room, I can’t call you and your constituents out as the ignorant, homophobic, islamophobic, xenophobic, nationalist, racist fascists they are, and just sit and take it as they complain about their shit all day? FUCK That.

Because while your constituency is yearning for the leave-it-to-beaver sixties which never actually existed, I have to live in the real world with real fucking problems, like climate change. But you and your ilk have no shame, no fucking shame, because you don’t give a rat’s ass as to what damage you do to the economy or the rest of the world when you deny shit you don’t understand. Here’s a fucking thought, instead of saying that the science is still out or that your gut tells you it’s not real, how about you pick up a fucking book, take a couple of hours and learn the basics, see what science is saying, learn the difference between Anne Coulter and a fucking hundred thousand year old ice core sample (hint, ice cores are warmer, have more color, more feeling, and are less desperate for attention), and instead of parroting back the line “the science is still out” you tell us exactly what’s missing that science needs to satisfy before you’ll believe it. But you can’t because you don’t understand it, you just know that there are votes to be had and deals to be done by saying it’s all a conspiracy from china, which makes you a bottom of the barrel two-bit whore who’ll sell out the human race for a couple of dollars or shares of stock.

And you and your party like to talk about common sense, but I don’t think you know what that means since you use it to justify judging an entire 1.6 billion people based on what 1% of 1% of them are doing—yeah, real common sense. Islam has the same percentage of terrorists as any religion—protestants and Catholics murdering each other, KKK firebombing churches and lynching people, the assassination of abortion doctors. What kind of idiot thinks there aren’t any Christian terrorists—here’s a hint, if you go to Uganda, don’t be gay, sparky. There are fucking Buddhist terrorists for fucks sake-you want to know who they kill? Muslims! Maybe the religion isn’t the fucking problem, ever think of that! Maybe its’s ignorant ass imperialistic countries who pretend to give a shit about the suffering of innocent people but really only want cheap oil and big gulps and will carpet bomb the shit out of anyone that stands in the way of that. You want to know why an education, diversity, and engagement are important? Because the give us perspective on shit so that we don’t have to be slaves to our over-reactionary adrenal glands and make our problems worse. Your folks have learned that with age comes wisdom, but they fucking gag at the notion that there’s wisdom to be found in the rest of the world, in the experiences of people who’ve lived different lives.

You want to talk common sense, fine, let’s go on a little journey. Since Yemen in 1992 Al Qaeda had been trying to strike on American soil. For ten years they tried to blowup transatlantic flights, take out Quantico, Langley, the Holland tunnel, the Lincoln tunnel, LAX, Logan, not to mention sporting a raging hard on for killing the pope.

You want to know whose fault 9/11 was-It was bush (I know, it’s unpatriotic to question our commander in chief during war time, well unless he’s black). I know it’s patriotic to blame Obama for his fuckups, while not violating America’s little safe space by blaming monkey boy for the September 11 attacks, but I’m okay with that. You want to know why? Because even if Bush hadn’t wiped his ass with his daily briefing we’d still have gotten hit. It was going to happen, if not on 9/11, then on some other time. It took them 10 years and a little luck to do it, but if you stick Ray Charles in front of a dartboard with 1 million darts, he’ll get the bull’s-eye eventually with or without monkey boy tending bar. A few fixes at the CIA, FTSB, and FBI, and problem solved. Instead, we hand everything over to the Republicans and say “fix this”. And this, the party of the Constitution, of freedom, and of small government, create the single largest bureaucracy in the history of the human race, expand government surveillance and warrantless wiretapping, gives government sweeping new powers to detain prisoners and spend billions of dollars blindly warmongering all over the Middle East. Every year in this country 40,000 people die in car accidents, 40,000 people die from gun violence, 40,000 to suicide, 60,000 each from influenza, pneumonia and diabetes, and nearly 600,000 each for cancer and heart disease—and if you understand science, you know we can deal with those problems, we know how to cure things, we did it with polio, with antibiotics. This isn’t a stretch, there are solutions to these problems that are a lot less expensive than what we spend fighting terror. We’ve got corporations too big to fail, and after a meltdown in 2007 which nearly ended our economy: – food riots, oil shortage, no food no electricity – hell on earth, and we came within a bull’s ass hair from it, and the conditions that made it happen are worse today. And our military commanders are telling us that there is no military solution to this, we need to figure out what they want, we need to figure out what’s motivating them – which is what the terrorist sympathizing liberals said from the start – but we know what’s doing it – we are. Our actions and our brazen disregard for human life and the suffering of others. And you fuckers haven’t had an ounce of common sense since. Do you remember? Do you remember what it was like before you were terrified of the Middle East? Do you know that everything we’ve done has made the problem worse, and do you know that you’re still 100 times more likely to die at the hands of another American – maybe a drunk driver or in a drive-by shooting – sent at the hands of any Muslim.

And I know, I’ll get my ass kicked for saying this, but you want to hear common sense – you want to hear truth to power? 9/11 wasn’t that big a deal. It was huge, it was staggering, but was it really so big that we needed to do this to ourselves, turn on ourselves, turn on our friends, obliterate a country, torture people, destroy our Constitution, and head down this Trump gilded road to fascism. Are you fucking serious?

We blew every opportunity to de-escalate this, to calm down and say that every country gets hit, it was our turn, and lets see what we can do to keep it from happening again. But since a gun loving reactionary republican was in charge, that wasn’t going to happen. So yeah, I got a just as much a right—fuck that—more of a fucking right—to be pissed about the state of this country, because I’ve got to fight narrow minded dicknuts like you and your boys.

You know why I love the Freedom Frogs—these people who can make a tank for $.35 on the dollar because it only needs to go in reverse—two days after the Paris attacks they go and tell the UN to triple the number of refugees France will take. You know why? Because they don’t think that the jury is still out on evolution, they don’t bomb other countries for revenge or in the name of God, they know that the science is in on global warming, and because they don’t have asshole bulshitters like you or Sarah Palin, because they know that refugees get a year of background checks before the UN releases them anywhere (and we do another year on top of that) so if you’re a terrorist trying to sneak into a country it’s actually a lot easier to swim across the Atlantic ocean than to come in as a refugee, dickwad.
That’s right, these fucking French, who could probably actually find Sodom and Gomorra on a map, are beating these terrorists? Why? Because they’re not cowering in a closet somewhere curled in a little ball with the lights turned out tears streaming down their face crying please don’t hurt me.

And you know what? They’re fucking scared. All of them, they’re terrified, just like we are. But they know that that’s how the bad guys win, the tipoff is the name -terrorist– my four-year-old figured it out with the help of Oscar the Grouch and the first three chapters of hooked on phonics.

And hey, I was thrilled. What a relief to know that American integrity, courage, and Judeo-Christian ethics are alive and well-they’re just all in fucking France.

And I know what you’re thinking, I know what you’re fucking thinking. You’re thinking that idiotic trope designed to bail you out if I hate this country so much, why don’t I fucking leave. But I’m tired of that fucking shit, because you haven’t cornered the market on patriotism, and this is my fucking country too, and excuse me for thinking that maybe it can do just a little bit better than it has. Excuse me for thinking that if one of the greatest country in the world, maybe we should start acting like it I’m sick and tired of this shit, if you’re tired of the lame-stream media and educated presidents and the Hollywood liberals, here’s an idea, why don’t YOU get the fuck out! That’s right, if you don’t like a black president who can add, if you’re scared by the internets, fetishize the wild, wild west, want a bible in every courthouse, don’t believe in evolution or global warming, and think women are chattel to be seen and not heard, leave, get the fucking hell out, I’m sick of you putting us on the defensive by saying that I’m the un-American one and that somehow I’m the one who’s being unreasonable because you shout louder than I do. You’re the party of fear, and when you’re not scaring the shit out of your constituents, somehow you cowered my guys.

We’re an empire, a mother fucking empire, and like all empires we think we’re not, we think we’re benevolent, imposing our Pax Americana on the world, expecting them to be grateful for our grace, and destroying them if they’re not. We’re the biggest exporter of guns, biggest exporter of death, with 95% of the worlds foreign bases over 600 of them, and a military budget equal to that of every other country in the world combined. But like all empires before us, from Rome to England, we will collapse under the weight of our military and arrogance. Think it can’t happen, think it won’t? That’s what they all thought.

And to even suggest a more measured approach, a nuanced approach, is to hate your country, blame America first, give therapy to the terrorists, and fly in the face of American bloodlust and revenge for other countries intruding into our lives. And I’m fucking sick of it.

And here you are, the next step, your jigsaw crazy fit right into this tapestry puzzle of utter and complete insanity, viciousness and cruelty under the mask of protecting one of the safest countries in the world, a country where we’ve so many guns we’re a thousand times more likely to die at the hands of a lone gun wielding maniac than in the hands of a terrorist, but let’s go fucking murder a bunch of ragheads and lets bomb ragheads and starve wetbacks out of this Judeo-Christian Eden where we love the bible only so long as it lets us hate and subjugate gays, Muslims, Jews, blacks and that whole other half of the human race you say love men only for their money (and in your case, I believe it), but that the rest of us none the less usually call women.

I’ve used a lot of swears, Mr. Trump, but I wanted you to be able to understand at least a third of what I say, because you don’t know enough about history, politics, or the human condition to understand just even 1/10 of how much I’ve pwned your ass (yes I know that the fucking “o” is missing, but dicknuts like yourself don’t get to ask why, because no matter how much money you have that shit will always be above your pay grade). And I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, but I don’t feel guilty, because I don’t hate you. I don’t, I don’t. Okay, I don’t like you very much, but I don’t hate you, because I don’t respect you enough to bring myself down to the level of hating another human being, because no matter how bad you are you’ll never turn me into one of them.

So since your base is this voice of the disenfranchised right, and the republicans are to much of pussy fucks to take the hit and speak truth to stupid, and because they put country first, right after getting power for themselves, I’m fucking outraged, and I’m here to say that say you and your kind have been fucking me and mine over long enough. I’m going to own my own outrage and say your ignorant fuckwad constituency has done enough damage.

I want to make our country great again, just like you. And it starts by making sure the closest thing you ever see to an Oval Office is that gold plated thrown you call a toilet, by not letting fear, ignorance, and terrorism control the fucking agenda, it starts with compromise and working together, making friends faster than we make enemies, building schools and not leveling them by not going alone, by not telling the rest of the world to go fuck themselves, and by saying that the emperor has no cloths and by telling it like it is and call you and your constituents out for the race baiting racist islamophobia motherfuckers you are. Peace out!